found this gem today...a quote from ralph waldo emerson:
finish each day and be done with it.
you have done what you could.
some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
tomorrow is a new day.
you shall begin it serenely
and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
buoyed
It's been a long few weeks...months.
School has not been easy. And honestly, I have been ready to throw in the towel more than a few times. Usually daily. I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of emotion. It's hard to go for days, weeks, months on end feeling like you're never fully prepared for anything...continually being reminded of how much I don't know and am unable to do.
I have fought the demons of discouragement, self-doubt, anxiety, fear. And they have won, more often than not.
Some days it takes all the strength I can possibly muster up to get out of bed and make myself sit on that bench for any amount of time...let alone 5 hours. Some days it takes all the will I have to keep on trying when I have done nothing but fail.
I am basically re-learning to play the piano. It's kind of like learning to walk again. My technique needs a lot of work. That's an understatement. It is overwhelming. And it is frustrating to have so much music within me that I cannot express because my body is getting in the way. My hands are getting in the way of themselves. I keep hitting the same wall over and over again, and I struggle to find the motivation to keep searching for the key, hoping for the miracle.
The tears flow freely and frequently.
Why am I even here?
But in the midst of all of this, there is hope.
Hope that it will not always be like this.
Hope in the fact that even though I am unable to play well right now, I am learning so much and growing in my musicianship.
Hope in the words and love of those around me who understand. who speak truth. who serve as buoys as I am tossed about in a sea of confusion, failure, doubt, frustration.
Hope in the knowledge that there is more to life than music. There is more to me than music. My performance here, or someone else's evaluation of my performance does not define my worth.
So yes, there are waves. The wind is strong. Sometimes it's all I can do to gasp for a breath before I get shoved under again.
But today I am thankful for the words, the hugs, the cards, the cookies, the eyes that say "I see you and I get you".....they buoy me. They ground me.
School has not been easy. And honestly, I have been ready to throw in the towel more than a few times. Usually daily. I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of emotion. It's hard to go for days, weeks, months on end feeling like you're never fully prepared for anything...continually being reminded of how much I don't know and am unable to do.
I have fought the demons of discouragement, self-doubt, anxiety, fear. And they have won, more often than not.
Some days it takes all the strength I can possibly muster up to get out of bed and make myself sit on that bench for any amount of time...let alone 5 hours. Some days it takes all the will I have to keep on trying when I have done nothing but fail.
I am basically re-learning to play the piano. It's kind of like learning to walk again. My technique needs a lot of work. That's an understatement. It is overwhelming. And it is frustrating to have so much music within me that I cannot express because my body is getting in the way. My hands are getting in the way of themselves. I keep hitting the same wall over and over again, and I struggle to find the motivation to keep searching for the key, hoping for the miracle.
The tears flow freely and frequently.
Why am I even here?
But in the midst of all of this, there is hope.
Hope that it will not always be like this.
Hope in the fact that even though I am unable to play well right now, I am learning so much and growing in my musicianship.
Hope in the words and love of those around me who understand. who speak truth. who serve as buoys as I am tossed about in a sea of confusion, failure, doubt, frustration.
Hope in the knowledge that there is more to life than music. There is more to me than music. My performance here, or someone else's evaluation of my performance does not define my worth.
So yes, there are waves. The wind is strong. Sometimes it's all I can do to gasp for a breath before I get shoved under again.
But today I am thankful for the words, the hugs, the cards, the cookies, the eyes that say "I see you and I get you".....they buoy me. They ground me.
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